2 practical tips for keeping a hot & steamy marriage

My parents came into town so we ventured out downtown Charlotte to have a nice dinner. After parking in a deck, we waited patiently to take the elevator down. As it opened, we watched a couple exit all over each other or “lovey-dovey”. It was evident they were having a great make-out session in the elevator. My dad, mom, husband and I enter and as the doors closed my dad said, “they can’t be married; married people do not act like that…like school kids… they must just be girlfriend and boyfriend.” This is coming from a man who has been married for almost 38 years. My mom laughed and by then we were walking out of the deck towards the restaurant.

I did not have an immediate response but later on while we were eating my husband asks, while I don’t remember it verbatim, something to the effect of “what is it about marriage?”

My immediate response was “I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT’S EVERY MARRIED COUPLE’S STORY!

While I have been privy to several conversations and even running jokes about lowered intimacy in marriages, I do not believe every single married couple eventually looses the “spark”. Maybe they do for a time, or not, but despite what your reality may be, the focus must turn from the how and why towards solution. Now that’s not to say you do not discuss the how and why your marriage may have lost its “spark” because that communication is necessary, you must work on ensuring your level intimacy and “spark” is satisfactory for both partners.

I think two factors that must be addressed are:

1. Know your partners’ love language. Love is a verb, which means it’s action based. While your partner knows that you love them, they must also feel it and experience love. Often times we use our own love language to show love to others, when your love languages are different, you must use the love language of your spouse.
2. Know the “light switches” and use them. What does this mean? I remember being in a married couples session at my church discussing intimacy and one husband used a “light switch” analogy eluding to the fact that women have several different switches you must turn on (like you do as you walk through the various rooms of your home). Flip the switches!

My last thought is about balance. As a full-time doctoral student, nearing the end of my program and writing my dissertation, sometimes I feel like I am terrible with the balance of my personal, academic and social life. Structure your schedule and work with your spouse to create some consistency in your time together. Whether it’s Friday date night, Sunday brunch, or removing the television from the bedroom to ensure “pillow talk”, discuss and do not sacrifice these non-negotiables. If you haven’t negotiated or need to renegotiate what the “ground rules” in your marriage are, spend some time doing that. However, be sure not to let this consistency ruin your spontaneity! Surprise him with a Saturday breakfast in bed, a new negligee, or a romantic note in his lunch.

I’ll end with the fact that they say there are three things that can ruin a marriage: communication, finances, and sex. I’m sure you’d agree that this is really one thing- communication since the others are elements that must be communicated. Do not shy away from the conversation of intimacy and romance. I don’t know about you but I’m in my marriage for the long haul and dry, boring, affectionless, and lacking intimacy will not be used to describe this married couple’s story.

Guest Blogger, Tempestt Adams

Fab Wives Guest Blogger