5 tips for rebuilding a successful marriage after betrayal

I love receiving feedback and questions from the Fab Wives community. Recently, we received the question: “How can I move on after my husband admitted to infidelity? I want him to suffer and hurt like I did.  How can I make him see what he did was wrong and almost destroyed us?”

41% of marriages are impacted by infidelity (Statistic Brain) This rate is alarming, so I decided to address this topic as a blog post for any other wife (or husband) trying to pick up the pieces following the devastation of infidelity.

If you have a “good” husband you don’t have to make him suffer or see that he did wrong.  The fact that he hurt you; and did something that could rock his whole world (which he should now know is you) is punishment enough. Besides, it’s not our responsibility to punish our spouses for their wrong doings no matter how bad.  All that leads to is tit for tat and a worse mess than what has already been presented.

I do (however), think there can be a such thing as moving on too quickly. Infidelity is not something you can get over in one night. So when you say you’re over it within a few days that may actually be an indication that you’re just trying to purge it out of your head. You may be thinking, “the quicker I am over it the faster I will heal, the less it will hurt.” Not true at all!  While you don’t need to know the grueling details of his infidelity, you do need to get to the root of it. Unless someone has a personal issue like (a big ego, narcissistic personality, an insecurity complex, etc.) I refuse to believe a good person cheats just to be cheating.  If none of the aforementioned apply, I tend to think people cheat because they are trying to fill a void or a need that they are too hopeless or immature to find a way to express.  Whether its emotional or physical you need to get to the bottom of what’s missing and whether you are even capable of filling that void (if applicable).

Once you’ve identified the root cause and identified whether you have perhaps contributed to that cause moving on is still difficult. Here are a few steps I suggest in taking the steps toward moving on:

1. Keep communication open.
2. Understand this may put you back at square one (in the trust department) and let your spouse know this.  It’s not unreasonable for you to want to know whereabouts, etc. to feel comfortable but don’t go overboard.
3. Avoid checking phones, social media, etc. You don’t want your marriage to turn into an ongoing investigation.
4. Let your spouse know when certain actions remind you of past behaviors.  If he says he’s going one place and ends up at another and it throws you into an uncomfortable space.  Call it out by choosing your words wisely.  “It makes me feel uncomfortable when…”
5. Don’t Play The Victim!  And by this I mean don’t make it seem like his actions were a personal attack against you. How can you do this to me? is a natural response initially, but dragging this on for too long will actually make you more vulnerable and can make it more difficult to move on.

This is a sensitive topic and many just can’t get past this level of betrayal. The most important thing is to recognize the way you deal with infidelity cannot be through a one size fits all approach. Don’t be embarrassed about your decision to stay or leave and never ask anyone (outside of your marriage) to tell you what you should do. You can get advice, from a trusted source but ultimately, you are the only person who can feasibly understand how this act will shape your role as a wife going forward. Seeking counsel (spiritual or professional) is also key to moving forward.

Rhea