Communication Tips for a Strong Marriage

What is the temperature of communication within your union?  Hot, cold, or warm? The communication style between you and your husband will reveal the true nature of your marriage.

Hot communication typically includes threatening verbiage, profanity, arguing, and yelling.  Have you ever heard of the saying, “the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.” You have? Well, that’s the method of operation for cold communicators. There are significant moments of silence accompanied by emails or text messages between individuals who once passionately said: “I do.” The “tipping point” for hot and cold communication is relatively low, which leads to an increased risk for domestic violence because empathy and respect have left the relationship. Warm communication is the optimal choice and is characterized by words of appreciation, affirmations, and compliments.

Couples who have a goal of nuptial longevity strive for warm communication. They understand that 20% of marital conflict is a difference of opinion, and 80% of arguments are due to the delivery of the message. Tone of voice, eye contact, and hand gestures can make or break the intent of words.  I often teach couples to use three layers of communication to address marital issues: presentation of the concern, problem-solving from both parties, and then a resolution phase. Life partners who use layered steps find that they are able to better work as a team. Here are examples of introduction statements used by “warm” couple communicators:
1) When you get a chance, let’s talk about (insert topic here)…I have a few things I want to share with you…
2) I’m feeling uneasy about (insert topic here), can you help me by (identify what you want here)…
3) I know you are typically pretty open about (insert topic here), will you be able to help me (identify what you want here)…
4) The other day (insert topic here) happened, can we see how we can do (insert problem behavior here) differently the next time…

Hot and cold communicators unknowingly dive into the resolution phase and often try to rush the communication process. Sometimes issues simply have to “settle” before a conclusion is reached.  If at all possible, avoid broaching conversations with these opening liners that can cause angst:
1) I find it hard to understand that…
2) Tell me why…
3) It’s funny that…
4) You mean to tell me…

What dialogues really uncover: Couples who attempt to effectively communicate are showing they are wholeheartedly committed to the marriage. Warm communicators are not willing to let their love or marriage dissolve. They also demonstrate trust by opening themselves up to explore issues that allow them to thrive within the marriage. Warm communicators make it a habit to focus on solutions rather than problems.

If you find yourself in a cold or hot communication style, explore if a control issue is underneath the push and pull you feel in your marriage.  Moving to a warm communication style with your husband can be achieved by using “a timeout,” or restarting the conversation by taking a layered route to resolve difficulties.

Cheers to a strong marriage…

Dr. Lil is a millennial woman who successfully juggles her career as a psychologist while being a wife to her husband of seven years, and mother to their 4-year-old son. She specializes in helping modern wives uncover their spousal identities for increased happiness. Dr. Lil believes marital wellness is rooted in life balance, and self-care. She has found that individual empowerment leads to positive decision making for healthy relationships.

For additional marriage tips, visit Dr. Lil’s website at www.femaleautonomy.com. You can also find her on social media:
Facebook: Female Autonomy within Marriage
Instagram: @female_autonomy

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