4 Ways to Manage Expectations for a Happy Marriage

The question, why is marriage so hard? (I’m sure) comes up some where everyday… across the media, in casual conversations and certainly in the minds of married couples.

Having to adjust to another person’s preferences and characteristics, the need to consistently work together for the greater good of your family and likely having to compromise over almost every single area of your “new life” are just a few possible answers. But the one thing I find to be the root of why marriage can be so hard is due to expectations. (Mismanaged, misplaced, unspoken, unrealistic…) We all have expectations in every relationship we engage in, but we place the most emphasis and sometimes, even the most scrutiny on the expectations (or fantasies) we have for our spouses and in our marriage.

Like most people, I came into marriage with a complete perception (more like a fantasy) of what marriage should look like. When the fantasy did not meet reality, I was extremely disappointed and unhappy. One of my favorite marriage blogs is Simple Marriage. I love how Corey Allan referenced expectations as “planned disappointments” because that’s exactly what they can be. Expectations are important but if they’re not realistic, they can create serious issues (even resentment). I think of all of the hard parts of life and the unrealistic expectations that make them harder. Managing a business is hard because you expect it to take off right away, parenting is hard because you expect to have little angels that give you no trouble so why would marriage be any different? Although difficult, I have learned to keep my expectations in check.  Here’s how:

#1-Set realistic expectations AND communicate your expectations.

Our spouses are not mind-readers and no matter how many books are written about marriage, there is no step-by-step guide for how to interact with your spouse on a daily basis.  Expectations have to be set based on what works for us and most importantly, we had to communicate our expectations and boundaries to each other. I had NO idea that my husband expected ME to cook every day after we married because he did most of the cooking before marriage.  I had to let him know why that was NOT going to work for me and then we had to work on a compromise that was best for our marriage.

#2-Stop comparing your marriage to other marriages and expecting your marriage to look like theirs.

My marriage doesn’t look like anyone else’s. Create the marriage that makes you and your husband happy. You may also find that you’re comparing yourself to a perception as opposed to the reality that someone else is putting out but that’s another topic.

#3- Expect growth not necessarily change.

There are some things I need to change about myself and my husband can point them out all day, but a person is not going to change until they’re ready to do so. It’s easier to receive feedback when you speak words of affirmation to someone encouraging them to better themselves. As opposed to making them feel like something is wrong with them.

#4-Don’t lack expectations

There are times when a lack of expectations can hurt your marriage more than unrealistic expectations, so be careful of that as well. If you don’t expect to grow in marriage, stay married forever or if you don’t have expectations to get out of a rut that you and your spouse may have found yourself in, you won’t make the effort to do so. 

Marriage doesn’t have to be as hard as everyone says it is. Learn to work together to establish and manage expectations to create a successful union.  Set your expectations, make them realistic and most importantly, discuss them!

Rhea