Is being a supportive wife a death toll on dreams?

The artist Lecrae came out with a song several years ago titled “I Can Play the Background.” It’s a smooth, pensive track that talks about his willingness to accept humility in his life. I used to LOVE that song, and I sang along in my car with so much conviction. These days, the conviction isn’t quite that strong. Let me explain.

I am an independent person, and it’s one of my favorite things about myself. There are times that I truly enjoy being around other people, but for the most part, I live inside my own head, as most writers do. As a result, I think and study a lot, and though I’m not quick to share my thoughts, I love being asked for them. When I was a child, my favorite literary character was Jo March from Little Women because she was opinionated and smarter than people expected her to be, and she preferred being respected to being objectified. I love being valued for my mind, and I get so much affirmation from being asked for my thoughts on a subject. One of the areas in which I’ve always felt secure in my identity and individuality is the church. As a single young woman, I served and studied and taught and worked, and I knew that I as an individual was appreciated for it.

And then I married a minister. The weirdest thing happened: I wound up in the background. We moved to a different state and joined a church where they only knew me as my husband’s wife, so I was asked to join my husband in assignments that were given to him because they were a fit for him. Nobody asked me what my areas of interest were or what my past experience was. Fortunately, my husband was hired as the youth minister, and youth ministry is one of my heart’s passions, so I enjoy the work I do with him, but I’m also developing interests and passions for other populations that I’d love to explore. The only problem is that there, I’m not known as the individual who has something of her own to bring to the table. I’m the minister’s wife.

I think the hardest thing an independent woman can be is the wife of a minister. You’re already altering your identity to a degree by changing your last name, which it took me three years and a whole lot of growth to do, but you also have to learn to sometimes stand in the shadow of your husband and try to consider it as shade and not shade. I believe in the calling on Ben’s life, and it makes me so proud to see the way God is developing and shaping him, so I don’t mind being the support and taking a step back when it’s appropriate. It’s hard, though, not to take it personally when you’re sitting in a group study, the lesson is really good, you’re brimming with questions and thoughts you want to contribute – and the teacher keeps saying, “What do you think, Minister Pate?” It’s enough to make you wish Patrick Swayze would walk into the room with a black leather jacket and say, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

So what do you do? How do you handle it when your role as a wife feels like a threat to your personal identity?

Learn to speak louder

First things first: learn to speak louder. And I’m not saying speak over your husband or do everything you can to prove that you’re just as important as him or can do anything he can do. That isn’t what’s important. I’m saying understand that this chapter of your life requires you to value who and what you are more than you did before and be willing to speak up for it. As Marianne Williamson put it, “Your playing small does not serve the world.” If God put you with an incredible man, it’s because not only can you provide the support that he needs, but you can be the inspiration walking next to him. “Playing small” not only is a disservice to the world, but it’s a disservice to your husband, your marriage, yourself, and everything you could be together. If you feel like nobody takes you seriously, take the initiative and be the first one who does. Take yourself seriously enough to knock on some doors and pursue opportunities.

Please don’t misunderstand me. Don’t stand on a box and wave your hands, shouting, “Look at me, look at me!” I’m not advocating for haughtiness and downplaying humility. I’m definitely not trying to put us in competition with our husbands. I’m saying it’s okay to speak up for the things that matter to you, even if no one knows how much they matter to you.

Do not hide from your fears

Secondly, don’t use anyone else’s shine, including your husband’s, as an excuse behind which to hide from your fears. If you’re like me, you have to fight the inclination to doubt yourself every now and then. That’s usually a result of bad comparisons. One of my favorite scriptures, since I was a teenager, has been, “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else” (Galatians 6:4, NLT). When I’m not feeling good enough at the things in which I want to excel, it would be very easy to compare myself to the progress my husbands making toward his goals and aspirations, and then to sit down with my legs crossed and say, “What’s the point?” That’s called utilizing an excuse. Listen, if my baby is on the top of his game and doing his thing, I want to be energized by that so that we can arrive and celebrate together.

Being a supportive wife does not lessen you

And last but not least, Fab Wives, please remember: there is nothing about being supportive spouses that makes us lesser women. I’ve been blessed to sit under and grow up around, not only great pastors but phenomenal first ladies. I’ve found that they’ve all possessed the ability to effectively live out their role next to their husbands, but it has not at all diminished who they are or kept them from fulfilling their own purposes inside and outside of the church. They are remarkable individuals and amazing wives. These qualities bring them to the forefront on their own merit. So sure, sometimes I’ll have to play the background when I’m used to being front and center, but it’s teaching me humility and patience, and forcing me to think outside of the box when it comes to my own purpose. There are things you see better from the passenger’s seat. The background, as it turns out, is not an infertile place.

Guest Blogger: Tiphane Pate

Fab Wives