Even though I’ve been married nearly 18 years, I’m still evolving and learning things about myself and my wife. Marriage is a continual teacher and I am the eager student…Today, I want to talk about My Naked Truth…

I let my insecurities speak for me

I am a man, a real man! I work on cars, shoot guns, spit, fish, and enjoy video games and sports! I don’t like details, I like the big picture! I don’t need all of the background information that my wife needs to tell me to get to the point of her story. I’m sometimes crude, a butt hole and can be very aggressive. I am also very ego-driven, don’t like to be challenged and can be sensitive about certain subjects! Despite the list of some of my shortcomings, I also know I’m not all the way typical. I think differently than most and am very pro-woman. I talk to her, am her safe place and I hold her down. I thought I knew myself pretty well, but while recently on our family vacation I realized something new about myself! I learned for the last 20 years I haven’t been fully vulnerable with her.

[tweetthis]I discovered that the way I was dealing with my wife had been through the eyes of my own insecurities.[/tweetthis]

I realized that I’d been protecting myself because I felt like I had to protect myself from everyone, her included. This is hard for me to say, but I thought she thought I was a weak man and I had to establish dominance in order for her to really respect me. I was never abusive or anything like that, but I wasn’t one of those guys that you were going to put in his place! She comes from a strong matriarchal system and in the background of my mind I knew I wouldn’t bow down; nobody is going to rule over me! This was never her intent. And because of that, I overcompensated in my dealings with her. For the longest time when we had disagreements, I thought that she was being disrespectful to me, but in reality, I was hearing and seeing through the lens of my own issues. In the book, “Love & Respect,” Dr. Emerson Eggerichs talks about a very simple concept that is often overlooked in our marriage relationships. He says, “Ask yourself if your spouse has general good will towards you and no malice in their heart.” Having tussled with this question, I knew with every fiber in my being that regardless of how many arguments, disagreements and issues that arose, she loves me to the core and unconditionally accepts me for who I am! This is invaluable! After accepting this as my truth, it freed me on so many levels, which led me to some serious self-analysis!

This month’s tip: Check Ya Self!

I learned that sometimes, “I be trippin”! It is inherent in people to see only their side of the story. Our feelings and how we were wronged and how they need to change to be better for us is always at the front of our minds! “She doesn’t, she didn’t, if she would just, she needs to” — the list goes on and on! But guess what? I am the captain of my own ship and because of that I am only responsible for how I react. Maybe she’s having a bad day, or maybe I didn’t provide her enough information to make an informed decision. Could it be my tone, my facial expression, the fact that she came home to a sink full of dishes? Who knows. If we can be real with ourselves and ask, “what part did I play?”, the fact is, pride and immaturity run rampant in today’s marriages! Who is going to be the mature party?

Real power is evident in how you handle yourself in hostile situations, and let’s all be real: nobody can make you as angry as your spouse! They know all of the right buttons to push (usually unintentionally) like nobody’s business! Honestly, the devil didn’t make you do it! He didn’t take over your body and make you cuss him out. He didn’t make you be petty to prove your point. He didn’t stop you from having sex with him so he knows that you are running things. That was all you! At the end of the day, you govern yourself!

We all have baggage from our upbringing and it is infecting your marriage. Sometimes we need to seek professional help to talk through some of these issues that you may not even know are plaguing you. Our mental and marital health are not given the same maintenance as our bodies, but these same issues through stress can cause issues in your physical body. Go and talk to someone if need be. It can only make things better!

So in closing, like Michael Jackson said, “Start with the man in the mirror and ask him to make a change.” If you can start with evaluating your own shortcomings first, then it will give a different perspective of your spouse and help you to treat them with the understanding that they need, because guess what: you’ll want that same understanding one day yourself!

Peace

Damian Johnson of Marriage is Real

Visit Damian on Instagram @marriageisreal

Damian Johnson