Oddly enough, it was a bittersweet day when my older cousin got married. I was beyond happy she found her soul mate and could live her version of happily ever after (and it was a plus that I loved her fiance and got along well with him), but the bitter part was that I knew I was losing a piece of comfort I had grown accustom to.
I was inconsolable at her wedding. As her Matron of Honor, guests assumed I was overwhelmed with joy! Truth is my tears were 80% grief! (Okay maybe 90%…don’t judge me) 🙂
Growing up (an only child) my cousin was like a sister and would drop everything to be there when I needed her. At the time of her wedding I was already married three years, so I knew that even if she felt she could still play the same “protective” role in my life; I could never allow her to! I could never allow myself to be a center of controversy and an overall distraction in her marriage the same way my in-laws once were in mine.
My experience as a grieving in law (okay i’m being dramatic) lol, gave me a different perspective on my own situation with my in-laws. I sought to understand what they felt they lost when my husband married me and started his own family. What comfort or security had he provided to them?
The first few years of my marriage were extremely tough! As soon as I said “I do”! I went from being an only child to a sister to 13, aunt to 21 and I can’t even begin to count the number of new cousins I suddenly had! Although my husband and I live four hours away from my in-laws, I felt the presence of my in-laws EVERY – SINGLE – DAY (and it felt like all day). Constant calls to update him on family happenings, request for guidance on every decision in their lives and even frivolous “what you doing, what are you having for dinner” talk was wearing on me and my marriage!
My seeking a better understanding of their “loss” after I experienced my own personal loss (when my cousin married), helped me get past a lot of the frustration I experienced with my in-laws and continues to help me not take things so personal! I had a heart-to-heart with my sister in-law at one point and she admitted that her sudden increase in contact with my husband after we married was the result of fear she would lose the close friendship she had with her brother growing up.
I still get bothered, annoyed and frustrated at times; but I no longer allow my frustration to impact my marriage. I also accredit my growth to a book that I describe as a marriage savior called Toxic In-laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage. This book not only helped me to further understand my in-laws, but also provided me with strategies for coping as well. In my case, my in-laws welcomed me with open arms, but (for me) the arms were a bit too wide open and began crossing boundaries.
In general, there are many issues you face in marriage but through my discussions with other wives, its clear that when you have in-law issues – you have serious issues and they don’t usually go away overnight or with just one good talk! In law issues come in various forms and with the help of our Fab Wives community we’ll try our best to tackle them all!
If you’re experiencing an issue with your in-laws we encourage you to “share your story” through our website or by emailing us directly at info@fabwives.com
