What To Do If Your Husband Cheats On You

I was recently in a very interesting relationship group conversation on Facebook that prompted me to blog.  This is a timeless question that will never go away.  I’d be willing to bet this has been an issue since after concubines and multiple wives were the norm!

The question was posed, “If you found out that your spouse cheated on you, would you stay or leave?”  By an overwhelming margin, most people said if they found out, they would call it quits!  It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see Buss & Shackelford for review of this research).   So 3 to 6 out of 10 women reading this will be cheated on at some point.  Or, you could be the cheater!

There is no magic bullet, easy fix or fast remedy to this issue!  Infidelity is something that looms in the back of the mind even if you never mention it.  The fallout from unfaithfulness can have an impact on your future generations!  It’s like standing at a fork in the road, both have alternate endings but you can only pick one.  Each has its own life and consequences!

Fab Wives, I’d like to offer this.  If this happens, it DOES NOT have to be the end of your marriage!   Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Do not make an emotional decision! Now I know this is easier said than done. To think about your spouse lying with another woman is tough, but you have to keep your wits about you as much as you can!  Sure, you’ll have an emotional outburst and words will be said, but don’t make a decision in that space!  You aren’t thinking rationally and most times, you’ll choose wrong!
• Count up the cost. Is what you’ve built together worth losing and starting over?  Is the time in worth giving up?  Is there more good than bad?  Where will you go?  How will this affect the children? How will this affect your finances?  These are just a few things to consider.
• People mess up. I am not in any way condoning infidelity.  What I am saying is that things happen.  There is a huge difference between messing up and an affair.  In my opinion, you can see the error of your ways and make a change.   And even with an affair, it’s usually something else at the root that hasn’t been dealt with.  Once you pull yourself out of the situation and look at this man, can you see him for who he is and separate him from the act and see he loves you?  Does he have a heart to please you?  You’ve got to think about this!  Again, this is on a case by case basis.

• Cause & Affect. At the end of the day, we all have our own minds and make our own decisions!   The devil does not make you do it!  You do it because you want to!  But can you take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’ve been everything he needs you to be?  Not the stuff you want to be to him, but what he asks of you.  Have you even asked this question or have you assumed that you know?  If you have only assumed, that’s a big no-no!  Has he reached out to you and wanted you to be there for him and you’ve dissed him?  Have you made him feel less than a man?  Have or do you emasculate him?  Do you allow him to lead?  Do you respect him?  Do you give him sex on the regular?  Ladies, these are all contributing fuels to the infidelity fire!  Again, cheating is wrong but be real with yourself and ask if you may have given him any nudges.
• Seek counseling! If you have any chance of making it through this tumultuous situation it is going to take a trained professional to help navigate this season in your life!  If he’s acknowledged his wrongdoing and wants to make it work and you can see that he is truly remorseful for what he did, it’s definitely worth looking into reconciliation.

Someone is probably saying, “You don’t know because you’ve never dealt with the pain and hurt that is infidelity.”  That is true, but my wife has.

Early on, I was unfaithful.  It was the worst mistake of my life!  I still regret it to this day.  Words cannot express the depths of my grief for my lapse in judgment.

I am grateful to God that my wife saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself!  I owned it, begged for forgiveness and asked for another chance.  She reluctantly gave it to me and I am so glad that she did!

Had she not given me the opportunity our 15-year-old son, 11-year-old daughter, and over 20 years of marriage. You have no idea how many lives we’ve touched and people that we’ve encouraged through our platform, Marriage is Real!   So before you decide, remember your marriage may not only be about you but may help encourage someone else!

Peace.

Damian Johnson, Founder of Marriage is Real

Damian Johnson