One of my frequent sayings to my husband is “don’t have me thinking I’m perfect.”
Meaning share your constructive criticism. If there is something I do or have done that negatively impacts him or our marriage, I need to hear about it. Sometimes we may be unable to realize that our words or actions are not coming out as we intended. My stance is to call it out! Don’t have me walking around thinking I’m the perfect wife and have little to no areas to improve on. Sure that’s where self-awareness comes in but haven’t you ever been in a situation where you thought “hold up I did not mean it like that”! I know I have…several times! Whether there is “something wrong” or my husband seems silent for no reason, when my husband shuts down communication I have been able to associate his shutdowns with 3 main things:
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He’s afraid
He’s afraid of hurting your feelings or creating drama. Men don’t like drama and they’ll avoid it at all costs. When my husband is afraid to communicate with me that usually means we need to focus more on our emotional connection. My husband needs to know he’s in a safe place before expressing something that may be difficult for me to hear. I had to promise myself that when he opens up, I will avoid:
- Becoming defensive
- Talking over him
- Transferring Blame and/or
- Discrediting his feelings
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You won’t let him talk
Not even in a negative way, (like talking over him). More like the times you never let him get a word in. I’m a natural chatterbox so when my husband wants to have a random, light-hearted conversation, I have to avoid making it “The Rhea Show”; it’s not always about MY hard day, MY funny story, MY shows, etc. No matter how bad I want to express myself at that moment- when he finally opens up, I put the spotlight on him.
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He doesn’t have a thing to say
Sometimes it’s nothing…absolutely nothing! My husband goes into silence for no reason. It’s his form of decompressing and processing. I don’t take it personally. When I feel like he’s in isolation for a little too long, I open up a dialogue by chatting about topics he can talk about for days like football 🙂
On the flip side,
there are negative forms of silence that need to be worked through in other ways. One of the things my husband and I had to work through was using silence as a weapon. It’s not okay to use silence to avoid a problem or to manipulate a situation. That type of silence is harmful to a marriage and will create insecurities that have no place in your marriage.
It’s no secret that great communication is the foundation for a great marriage. But during the moments where there is not as much chatter as you would like, see if it’s related to one of the three points I mentioned and if it’s not, make sure you’re taking time to observe your hubby’s non-verbal communication too!
XO, Rhea
